[he says it easily, even though he knows. the choking sense of responsibility that hung over someone, the fact that you were the only common factor. but Keigo isn't cursed - not like him. not someone who'd bring misfortune, he could sense it. but that man had been nothing but misfortune, though he was a dream.]
Are you sure nothing happened to him, that he didn't end up snapping and trying to hurt anyone? He would have hurt me, but I wasn't involved - that's not someone out to stop another. That's just someone who wants blood falling. How can you do something you don't even know for sure that you did?
[a pause, and he lets that part sink in.]
If he was your close friend, then it's a terrible tragedy, sure. It's sad that he ended up like that, without someone getting him back to his senses. But...why are you so sure you hurt someone?
[and he says that because he knows what it feels like to hurt someone, and he should tell Keigo to run away from him, to not take in the bad luck and to be free.]
And let's say you did do something. You don't want to do it now, though. So don't. Just remember that you don't want to hurt anyone, and do what you need to so that you don't. Then you won't do it. That simple.
[ keigo hesitated. if how yosuke reacted to the whole thing was any indication, it was probably safe to assume that keigo himself was perhaps a bit too self-critical in the eyes of others. he couldn't really help it, honestly, when he spent much of his life believing he wasn't worth anyone's time. there had only been one person that made keigo feel like he was wanted, and he was no longer in the city to be that rock for him. so keigo had drifted from that notion of self-worth; everything he did must have been a reason for others to avoid him, and these memories were only solidifying that tenfold.
but nikkari's reaction, the words he spoke, they drew keigo's eyes open, they made him think about those memories more objectively. it was true, he didn't know the whole story yet. he couldn't be absolutely certain that the man's snapping had anything to do with him at all. and even if it did... he was no longer living that life. he'd come to that conclusion beforehand, that the man's killing blow didn't matter back then, but with that new information in tow, he had faltered.
it was in the past. another life. keigo wasn't even sure if he'd ever see that man again. he looked down at the ground as they walked, silent as he let everything nikkari say sink in. his brow furrowed. he said it all so assuredly, it almost felt as though he'd lived it before himself. keigo lifted his head, looking upon nikkari with a sort of uncertainty in his eyes. ]
But... if it's fate... Circumstances would form to allow it to happen. I might not think I could ever do something that horrible, but if it's fate for it to happen, for everything to repeat itself, it'll happen, anyway.
[ honestly, it was eerily similar to what the man had said in the dream; perhaps that wasn't the man talking at all during that entire exchange, but keigo's own self-defeating thoughts, his views on never being able to escape his own horrendous luck. ]
Then change fate. Do something that'll throw fate off that track. Fortune will reshape itself around you if you keep moving forward.
[that was the only way, if you were fated. that's the only chance Nikkari has to ever help people. to keep moving, changing, before he affects them too much, and he smiles like it's truth even as he hopes, silently, that Keigo will be different.]
You already know you don't want it. So you know you fight against it, every day. It's not impossible.
[ keigo wanted to scoff. changing fate, like it was that easy. how could it be? he felt that fate was what brought him and renji together, initially, so it was fitting that fate drove them apart again. there wasn't anything he could have done to stop that, so why fight something even more daunting than his best friend leaving the city?
but... no. he wouldn't, and didn't, scoff at nikkari. that was a rude thing to do, but it went beyond that. he felt a genuine sense of care from his words, not merely something that was spouted to assuage his anxiety. he took in a breath, and smiled. ]
You must have a lot of faith in me to think I'm capable of changing my fate.
I do. You broke open your dream cycle - you could change your fate again. All you need is the desire to do so.
[there it was, the simple and unvarnished truth. the firm, quiet belief that Keigo had to be better than he gave himself credit for. just there, just like that. not meant to flatter him but to express what he felt in his heart.]
[ keigo was clearly humbled by that admission, turning his head again as he flustered from the blatant vote of confidence nikkari placed upon him. he offered up a nervous, almost shy laugh in return, though there was more to be said, really.
and ultimately, the real reason why keigo wanted to tell nikkari all of this: ]
...so. Knowing all of that, you still want to get to know me better?
Yeah. I meant it when I said it - why would that be changed now? It's already starting, with me learning you're the kind of person who's up this late like me.
[that they both, he privately thinks, believe fate's against them. the only difference is that Nikkari knows fate's like that and why, and Keigo was believing it even though it wasn't true.]
[ again, keigo laughed, though it was less shy this time around. he liked this. it felt natural, talking to nikkari. he reached up and ran a hand through his hair, pushing it out of his face before he dropped it back down at his side. well, that was taken care of... which meant that keigo could keep things moving along... ]
Hm... Well, I'm happy to hear that. I'd really like to get to know you better, too.
[ this time, keigo looked at nikkari, sidelong, as he kept walking. looking at his expression, building up that fake sense of confidence he used to get by. he was a naturally nervous, anxious person, used to his weaknesses being exemplified, causing his strengths to be oversold in some poor attempt to be seen in a better light. like now, as he shoved his hands into his pockets, exaggerating his gait to something more casual, comfortable. familiar.
this was part of letting go, he thought. part of moving forward. it stung, but it didn't show in his smile, in how he turned toward nikkari as they continued to walk, side-by-side, eyes gleaming with a sudden anxious energy. ]
In fact, I'm thinkin'... maybe I should take you out. If you'd wanna.
[ though his face started to burn, he continued to smile, grinned, even. even if nikkari rejected him, the fact that he mustered the courage to ask at all was a big step for him. a step in the right direction, he felt. ]
Not at the club, either, I mean. Sometime when you're not workin'. When I can see you like this.
[of all the questions Nikkari was ready for, that wasn't one. it's enough to stop him in his tracks, the honest surprise on his face there. Keigo seriously was asking him this? he actually...wanted to go out? like an actual date, not just hanging out? it's surprising to him - because he never expects much - but Keigo says it with such confidence that he knows it's not a joke.]
...If you're serious, then sure. I'd like that.
[getting to go out with the weird Nikkari, the one who isn't kept in proper manners because of the club and a suit, who's up at 4 in the morning for schoolwork and who wants to listen to Keigo go on about photography if he wants. maybe, he thinks, he was a little quick to dismiss the roses that day. it's nice to be asked out properly instead of just someone assuming for hanging or a hookup. and he already feels somewhat excited for it.]
[ optimism was a tricky thing that keigo tended to struggle with. he wasn't exactly a pessimist, but more that he was experienced in his own luck, a master of it, really. there were times to get excited and times to expect the worst. in this instance, however, keigo felt as though no matter the outcome, no matter what nikkari told him, he wouldn't feel regret. truly, it was the first time he felt that much at ease with the unknown in a long while.
but then nikkari stopped walking, and keigo nearly stumbled, as though he couldn't stop himself fast enough to match. he blinked as he recovered his stance, mapping out the way nikkari looked at him carefully. he looked so shocked... was it really that strange to ask? well, to be fair, keigo really hadn't asked a guy out like that... ever. though, the response that followed was wholly endearing. keigo felt his heart flutter.
shit, he's cute...
but there was no time to be staring stupidly. not when he realized that nikkari had actually agreed to going out with him! ]
Why wouldn't I be serious?
[ keigo laughed as he turned a bit, closing the distance between them in a few easy strides. he stood in front of nikkari, smiling down at him. beaming. ]
I wasn't lying. I think you're great. So gettin' to take you out would be pretty great, too.
[he laughs a little, looking up at Keigo, and the smile that's on his face is a bit brighter than his normal expression. his words doing their part - anyone likes to be complimented, after all. it's official, they're doing this, and of the decisions to be made this early in the morning, it's definitely one he likes a lot.]
Then you gotta let me know when. Because I'm already looking forward to it.
[which is true. he wants to have it happen, make it good enough for Keigo to not regret.]
No pressure to decide soon, or anything. I'll just want to make sure I can shove off anything so that you can get all of my time.
[ this was probably a bit more exciting for keigo than it really warranted being. people asked others out on dates all the time, this wasn't anything special, right?
when keigo looked upon that smile nikkari flashed at him, when he felt that little jump in his chest, he concluded that no, this was definitely special. even if it was just a little harmless date, nikkari was someone he wanted to get to know better, in any context.
but the obvious excitement he was expressing for the whole thing... well, it did fluster keigo quite a bit. his confident mask cracked a little, revealing a hesitance and nervousness that flooded his face, coloring it red. ]
A-aah, w-well... When you say it like that...
[ keigo looked to one side, trying to deflect from the redness he sported. ]
What about this weekend? In the afternoon? Maybe 2 o'clock?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[he says it easily, even though he knows. the choking sense of responsibility that hung over someone, the fact that you were the only common factor. but Keigo isn't cursed - not like him. not someone who'd bring misfortune, he could sense it. but that man had been nothing but misfortune, though he was a dream.]
Are you sure nothing happened to him, that he didn't end up snapping and trying to hurt anyone? He would have hurt me, but I wasn't involved - that's not someone out to stop another. That's just someone who wants blood falling. How can you do something you don't even know for sure that you did?
[a pause, and he lets that part sink in.]
If he was your close friend, then it's a terrible tragedy, sure. It's sad that he ended up like that, without someone getting him back to his senses. But...why are you so sure you hurt someone?
[and he says that because he knows what it feels like to hurt someone, and he should tell Keigo to run away from him, to not take in the bad luck and to be free.]
And let's say you did do something. You don't want to do it now, though. So don't. Just remember that you don't want to hurt anyone, and do what you need to so that you don't. Then you won't do it. That simple.
no subject
but nikkari's reaction, the words he spoke, they drew keigo's eyes open, they made him think about those memories more objectively. it was true, he didn't know the whole story yet. he couldn't be absolutely certain that the man's snapping had anything to do with him at all. and even if it did... he was no longer living that life. he'd come to that conclusion beforehand, that the man's killing blow didn't matter back then, but with that new information in tow, he had faltered.
it was in the past. another life. keigo wasn't even sure if he'd ever see that man again. he looked down at the ground as they walked, silent as he let everything nikkari say sink in. his brow furrowed. he said it all so assuredly, it almost felt as though he'd lived it before himself. keigo lifted his head, looking upon nikkari with a sort of uncertainty in his eyes. ]
But... if it's fate... Circumstances would form to allow it to happen. I might not think I could ever do something that horrible, but if it's fate for it to happen, for everything to repeat itself, it'll happen, anyway.
[ honestly, it was eerily similar to what the man had said in the dream; perhaps that wasn't the man talking at all during that entire exchange, but keigo's own self-defeating thoughts, his views on never being able to escape his own horrendous luck. ]
no subject
[that was the only way, if you were fated. that's the only chance Nikkari has to ever help people. to keep moving, changing, before he affects them too much, and he smiles like it's truth even as he hopes, silently, that Keigo will be different.]
You already know you don't want it. So you know you fight against it, every day. It's not impossible.
no subject
but... no. he wouldn't, and didn't, scoff at nikkari. that was a rude thing to do, but it went beyond that. he felt a genuine sense of care from his words, not merely something that was spouted to assuage his anxiety. he took in a breath, and smiled. ]
You must have a lot of faith in me to think I'm capable of changing my fate.
no subject
[there it was, the simple and unvarnished truth. the firm, quiet belief that Keigo had to be better than he gave himself credit for. just there, just like that. not meant to flatter him but to express what he felt in his heart.]
no subject
and ultimately, the real reason why keigo wanted to tell nikkari all of this: ]
...so. Knowing all of that, you still want to get to know me better?
no subject
[that they both, he privately thinks, believe fate's against them. the only difference is that Nikkari knows fate's like that and why, and Keigo was believing it even though it wasn't true.]
no subject
Hm... Well, I'm happy to hear that. I'd really like to get to know you better, too.
[ this time, keigo looked at nikkari, sidelong, as he kept walking. looking at his expression, building up that fake sense of confidence he used to get by. he was a naturally nervous, anxious person, used to his weaknesses being exemplified, causing his strengths to be oversold in some poor attempt to be seen in a better light. like now, as he shoved his hands into his pockets, exaggerating his gait to something more casual, comfortable. familiar.
this was part of letting go, he thought. part of moving forward. it stung, but it didn't show in his smile, in how he turned toward nikkari as they continued to walk, side-by-side, eyes gleaming with a sudden anxious energy. ]
In fact, I'm thinkin'... maybe I should take you out. If you'd wanna.
[ though his face started to burn, he continued to smile, grinned, even. even if nikkari rejected him, the fact that he mustered the courage to ask at all was a big step for him. a step in the right direction, he felt. ]
Not at the club, either, I mean. Sometime when you're not workin'. When I can see you like this.
no subject
...If you're serious, then sure. I'd like that.
[getting to go out with the weird Nikkari, the one who isn't kept in proper manners because of the club and a suit, who's up at 4 in the morning for schoolwork and who wants to listen to Keigo go on about photography if he wants. maybe, he thinks, he was a little quick to dismiss the roses that day. it's nice to be asked out properly instead of just someone assuming for hanging or a hookup. and he already feels somewhat excited for it.]
no subject
but then nikkari stopped walking, and keigo nearly stumbled, as though he couldn't stop himself fast enough to match. he blinked as he recovered his stance, mapping out the way nikkari looked at him carefully. he looked so shocked... was it really that strange to ask? well, to be fair, keigo really hadn't asked a guy out like that... ever. though, the response that followed was wholly endearing. keigo felt his heart flutter.
shit, he's cute...
but there was no time to be staring stupidly. not when he realized that nikkari had actually agreed to going out with him! ]
Why wouldn't I be serious?
[ keigo laughed as he turned a bit, closing the distance between them in a few easy strides. he stood in front of nikkari, smiling down at him. beaming. ]
I wasn't lying. I think you're great. So gettin' to take you out would be pretty great, too.
no subject
Then you gotta let me know when. Because I'm already looking forward to it.
[which is true. he wants to have it happen, make it good enough for Keigo to not regret.]
No pressure to decide soon, or anything. I'll just want to make sure I can shove off anything so that you can get all of my time.
no subject
when keigo looked upon that smile nikkari flashed at him, when he felt that little jump in his chest, he concluded that no, this was definitely special. even if it was just a little harmless date, nikkari was someone he wanted to get to know better, in any context.
but the obvious excitement he was expressing for the whole thing... well, it did fluster keigo quite a bit. his confident mask cracked a little, revealing a hesitance and nervousness that flooded his face, coloring it red. ]
A-aah, w-well... When you say it like that...
[ keigo looked to one side, trying to deflect from the redness he sported. ]
What about this weekend? In the afternoon? Maybe 2 o'clock?