...but now that i know you're okay, there's something else i wanna talk to you about, regarding it... but i dunno if i should do it over text. is there a time when i could meet up with you again? preferably in private.
[it's a convenience store, but not many places are open this late. it's just a landmark, anyway, a place to meet so they can see each other. contrary to his suit for work, Nikkari can dress really casually, and so he does right now - throwing his hair back in a ponytail and making sure he writes a note for his aunt in case he's not back by the time she wakes.]
[ and it doesn't take keigo long to get ready, really. he was already dressed from earlier in the day, too keyed up to really wind down and get ready for bed. at most, he had to fix his hair, but once he was done, he was off.
the convenience store wasn't too far from the campus, so keigo arrived fairly quickly, hands slipped into the pockets of his jacket. it was a little chilly... maybe he should have brought a hat. ]
[he pulled his hands from his pockets, turning them up and extending them so Keigo can see. no sign of any injury whatsoever - not even a hint of a mark. he remembers what he told Keigo, and is all too happy to show him that he wasn't really hurt by that.]
[ keigo remembered, too, but he took it as more of a courtesy, really. a sort of collateral for the insanity they both experienced, not actually anything keigo had really intended to take him up on. but seeing him in person, keigo was really overcome. and when nikkari showed him his hands... ]
...
[ ...keigo reached forward and gingerly took them in his own, thumbs carefully tracing over where he remembered those terrible wounds to be. the blood had been everywhere... if he stared hard enough, he could just about see it. as if in a sort of relieved trance, keigo exhaled, ]
Thank God...
[ ...nevermind that he was being extremely forward. he'd realize it in a moment, after his mind finally moved past it. ]
[nothing about it is forward, to Nikkari. if seeing helped Keigo understand that he was fine, then he's ok with it - no blood, no broken skin, no pain. just his hands, whole and complete.]
When I woke up, I checked too. That guy wasn't kidding.
[ keigo nodded grimly; even if nikkari was making light of it all, keigo still carried a great deal of guilt over the whole situation. whoever that man was... well, that's what keigo meant to talk to him about, anyway. ]
...I would have done the same.
[ he wanted to keep holding his hands, just to solidify their unmarred appearance in his mind, but it was about then that keigo's more overreactive side chimed in, causing his face to flush hotly. with a stammered sound that sort of resembled a laugh, he released nikkari's hands and reached up to rub at his neck. ]
S-sorry, I didn't mean to just grab your hands like that...
[he sees that blush, and a part of him says he should be blushing as well if it's really that forward, but all he can do is look away, jerking his head a little to settle his bangs back in place.]
What did you want to meet about? Not just to hold my hands, I'm thinking.
[ if nikkari had started blushing, keigo probably would have regretted ever calling him out there... but thankfully, he was spared. sort of. the little joke made keigo grunt and look off to the side, lips pursed. ]
No, that's not... what I wanted to...
[ ... anyway. ]
L-let's walk and talk. I don't wanna start gettin' into it in front of the store...
[ with that, he started to move, but ensured that nikkari was going with him before his expression sobered, returning to something a little more distant. this was the hard part. ]
...It's about that guy in my dream. I... recently recovered another memory of him. I wanted to... talk to you about it. It's not really pleasant, though, so I'll understand if you'd rather not.
[he's going with him, the smile fading from his face, but he's listening closely.]
I want to know. If it's on your mind like this, it's important. You can tell me.
[if it was agitating him at 4 in the morning, it was more important than some stupid essay that was almost done. Nikkari had meant what he said - he wanted to get the chance to know Keigo. this was part of it.]
[ it was humbling just how supportive nikkari was being, though keigo greatly appreciated it. he'd definitely have to repay him for this... provided nikkari even wanted to speak with him after he explained. ]
Thanks Nikkari.
[ he took in a breath, hands returning to his pockets as he walked along. ]
That guy... I still don't remember his name. And for the longest time, I thought he was just some... random person. Someone who just... [ it was hard to say it aloud. ] ...killed me with no reason behind it. But, the other day, I got another memory of him.
[ keigo swallowed, his eyes narrowing as a grimace took over his expression. ]
He wasn't some random guy. He... he was a really close friend of mine. Someone I held dearly. We cared for each other.
[ the part that followed felt especially difficult to form into words, and keigo nearly choked on them as he continued. ]
And it makes me think... What kind of person was I? What did I do to him that made him need to kill me? It had to be something horrible... so I... I'm afraid that if what Retrospec says is true, if this is all some kind of weird second chance or something, that I'll end up doing something like that again. I'll end up pushing someone to ... doing that. Someone I care about. I don't care about me dying, I just don't want to hurt anyone.
[he says it easily, even though he knows. the choking sense of responsibility that hung over someone, the fact that you were the only common factor. but Keigo isn't cursed - not like him. not someone who'd bring misfortune, he could sense it. but that man had been nothing but misfortune, though he was a dream.]
Are you sure nothing happened to him, that he didn't end up snapping and trying to hurt anyone? He would have hurt me, but I wasn't involved - that's not someone out to stop another. That's just someone who wants blood falling. How can you do something you don't even know for sure that you did?
[a pause, and he lets that part sink in.]
If he was your close friend, then it's a terrible tragedy, sure. It's sad that he ended up like that, without someone getting him back to his senses. But...why are you so sure you hurt someone?
[and he says that because he knows what it feels like to hurt someone, and he should tell Keigo to run away from him, to not take in the bad luck and to be free.]
And let's say you did do something. You don't want to do it now, though. So don't. Just remember that you don't want to hurt anyone, and do what you need to so that you don't. Then you won't do it. That simple.
[ keigo hesitated. if how yosuke reacted to the whole thing was any indication, it was probably safe to assume that keigo himself was perhaps a bit too self-critical in the eyes of others. he couldn't really help it, honestly, when he spent much of his life believing he wasn't worth anyone's time. there had only been one person that made keigo feel like he was wanted, and he was no longer in the city to be that rock for him. so keigo had drifted from that notion of self-worth; everything he did must have been a reason for others to avoid him, and these memories were only solidifying that tenfold.
but nikkari's reaction, the words he spoke, they drew keigo's eyes open, they made him think about those memories more objectively. it was true, he didn't know the whole story yet. he couldn't be absolutely certain that the man's snapping had anything to do with him at all. and even if it did... he was no longer living that life. he'd come to that conclusion beforehand, that the man's killing blow didn't matter back then, but with that new information in tow, he had faltered.
it was in the past. another life. keigo wasn't even sure if he'd ever see that man again. he looked down at the ground as they walked, silent as he let everything nikkari say sink in. his brow furrowed. he said it all so assuredly, it almost felt as though he'd lived it before himself. keigo lifted his head, looking upon nikkari with a sort of uncertainty in his eyes. ]
But... if it's fate... Circumstances would form to allow it to happen. I might not think I could ever do something that horrible, but if it's fate for it to happen, for everything to repeat itself, it'll happen, anyway.
[ honestly, it was eerily similar to what the man had said in the dream; perhaps that wasn't the man talking at all during that entire exchange, but keigo's own self-defeating thoughts, his views on never being able to escape his own horrendous luck. ]
Then change fate. Do something that'll throw fate off that track. Fortune will reshape itself around you if you keep moving forward.
[that was the only way, if you were fated. that's the only chance Nikkari has to ever help people. to keep moving, changing, before he affects them too much, and he smiles like it's truth even as he hopes, silently, that Keigo will be different.]
You already know you don't want it. So you know you fight against it, every day. It's not impossible.
[ keigo wanted to scoff. changing fate, like it was that easy. how could it be? he felt that fate was what brought him and renji together, initially, so it was fitting that fate drove them apart again. there wasn't anything he could have done to stop that, so why fight something even more daunting than his best friend leaving the city?
but... no. he wouldn't, and didn't, scoff at nikkari. that was a rude thing to do, but it went beyond that. he felt a genuine sense of care from his words, not merely something that was spouted to assuage his anxiety. he took in a breath, and smiled. ]
You must have a lot of faith in me to think I'm capable of changing my fate.
I do. You broke open your dream cycle - you could change your fate again. All you need is the desire to do so.
[there it was, the simple and unvarnished truth. the firm, quiet belief that Keigo had to be better than he gave himself credit for. just there, just like that. not meant to flatter him but to express what he felt in his heart.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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and you don't have to thank me, you did it yourself
i just provided the distraction
someone there to help change things up when you did all the work
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you were the one who got him to drop his sword
we might argue about this all night though
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...but now that i know you're okay, there's something else i wanna talk to you about, regarding it... but i dunno if i should do it over text. is there a time when i could meet up with you again? preferably in private.
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right now or later in the day
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eh?? right now would be okay? it's so late...
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and i wasn't going to sleep for a while anyway
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where can i meet you?
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here. i'll be there soon.
[it's a convenience store, but not many places are open this late. it's just a landmark, anyway, a place to meet so they can see each other. contrary to his suit for work, Nikkari can dress really casually, and so he does right now - throwing his hair back in a ponytail and making sure he writes a note for his aunt in case he's not back by the time she wakes.]
text➡action;
[ and it doesn't take keigo long to get ready, really. he was already dressed from earlier in the day, too keyed up to really wind down and get ready for bed. at most, he had to fix his hair, but once he was done, he was off.
the convenience store wasn't too far from the campus, so keigo arrived fairly quickly, hands slipped into the pockets of his jacket. it was a little chilly... maybe he should have brought a hat. ]
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Man, and I thought I was going to beat you here. But it's good to see you - do you want to walk? It'll keep you warm.
[he says it like he's done it a hundred times.]
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Yeah, we can do that. But um, first...
[ keigo's expression started to falter, like he was embarrassed. his hesitation made that blindingly obvious, either way. ]
I know... I know it was a dream, but can I see your hands?
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[he pulled his hands from his pockets, turning them up and extending them so Keigo can see. no sign of any injury whatsoever - not even a hint of a mark. he remembers what he told Keigo, and is all too happy to show him that he wasn't really hurt by that.]
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...
[ ...keigo reached forward and gingerly took them in his own, thumbs carefully tracing over where he remembered those terrible wounds to be. the blood had been everywhere... if he stared hard enough, he could just about see it. as if in a sort of relieved trance, keigo exhaled, ]
Thank God...
[ ...nevermind that he was being extremely forward. he'd realize it in a moment, after his mind finally moved past it. ]
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When I woke up, I checked too. That guy wasn't kidding.
[said softly, but trying to stay light about it.]
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...I would have done the same.
[ he wanted to keep holding his hands, just to solidify their unmarred appearance in his mind, but it was about then that keigo's more overreactive side chimed in, causing his face to flush hotly. with a stammered sound that sort of resembled a laugh, he released nikkari's hands and reached up to rub at his neck. ]
S-sorry, I didn't mean to just grab your hands like that...
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[he sees that blush, and a part of him says he should be blushing as well if it's really that forward, but all he can do is look away, jerking his head a little to settle his bangs back in place.]
What did you want to meet about? Not just to hold my hands, I'm thinking.
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No, that's not... what I wanted to...
[ ... anyway. ]
L-let's walk and talk. I don't wanna start gettin' into it in front of the store...
[ with that, he started to move, but ensured that nikkari was going with him before his expression sobered, returning to something a little more distant. this was the hard part. ]
...It's about that guy in my dream. I... recently recovered another memory of him. I wanted to... talk to you about it. It's not really pleasant, though, so I'll understand if you'd rather not.
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I want to know. If it's on your mind like this, it's important. You can tell me.
[if it was agitating him at 4 in the morning, it was more important than some stupid essay that was almost done. Nikkari had meant what he said - he wanted to get the chance to know Keigo. this was part of it.]
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Thanks Nikkari.
[ he took in a breath, hands returning to his pockets as he walked along. ]
That guy... I still don't remember his name. And for the longest time, I thought he was just some... random person. Someone who just... [ it was hard to say it aloud. ] ...killed me with no reason behind it. But, the other day, I got another memory of him.
[ keigo swallowed, his eyes narrowing as a grimace took over his expression. ]
He wasn't some random guy. He... he was a really close friend of mine. Someone I held dearly. We cared for each other.
[ the part that followed felt especially difficult to form into words, and keigo nearly choked on them as he continued. ]
And it makes me think... What kind of person was I? What did I do to him that made him need to kill me? It had to be something horrible... so I... I'm afraid that if what Retrospec says is true, if this is all some kind of weird second chance or something, that I'll end up doing something like that again. I'll end up pushing someone to ... doing that. Someone I care about. I don't care about me dying, I just don't want to hurt anyone.
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[he says it easily, even though he knows. the choking sense of responsibility that hung over someone, the fact that you were the only common factor. but Keigo isn't cursed - not like him. not someone who'd bring misfortune, he could sense it. but that man had been nothing but misfortune, though he was a dream.]
Are you sure nothing happened to him, that he didn't end up snapping and trying to hurt anyone? He would have hurt me, but I wasn't involved - that's not someone out to stop another. That's just someone who wants blood falling. How can you do something you don't even know for sure that you did?
[a pause, and he lets that part sink in.]
If he was your close friend, then it's a terrible tragedy, sure. It's sad that he ended up like that, without someone getting him back to his senses. But...why are you so sure you hurt someone?
[and he says that because he knows what it feels like to hurt someone, and he should tell Keigo to run away from him, to not take in the bad luck and to be free.]
And let's say you did do something. You don't want to do it now, though. So don't. Just remember that you don't want to hurt anyone, and do what you need to so that you don't. Then you won't do it. That simple.
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but nikkari's reaction, the words he spoke, they drew keigo's eyes open, they made him think about those memories more objectively. it was true, he didn't know the whole story yet. he couldn't be absolutely certain that the man's snapping had anything to do with him at all. and even if it did... he was no longer living that life. he'd come to that conclusion beforehand, that the man's killing blow didn't matter back then, but with that new information in tow, he had faltered.
it was in the past. another life. keigo wasn't even sure if he'd ever see that man again. he looked down at the ground as they walked, silent as he let everything nikkari say sink in. his brow furrowed. he said it all so assuredly, it almost felt as though he'd lived it before himself. keigo lifted his head, looking upon nikkari with a sort of uncertainty in his eyes. ]
But... if it's fate... Circumstances would form to allow it to happen. I might not think I could ever do something that horrible, but if it's fate for it to happen, for everything to repeat itself, it'll happen, anyway.
[ honestly, it was eerily similar to what the man had said in the dream; perhaps that wasn't the man talking at all during that entire exchange, but keigo's own self-defeating thoughts, his views on never being able to escape his own horrendous luck. ]
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[that was the only way, if you were fated. that's the only chance Nikkari has to ever help people. to keep moving, changing, before he affects them too much, and he smiles like it's truth even as he hopes, silently, that Keigo will be different.]
You already know you don't want it. So you know you fight against it, every day. It's not impossible.
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but... no. he wouldn't, and didn't, scoff at nikkari. that was a rude thing to do, but it went beyond that. he felt a genuine sense of care from his words, not merely something that was spouted to assuage his anxiety. he took in a breath, and smiled. ]
You must have a lot of faith in me to think I'm capable of changing my fate.
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[there it was, the simple and unvarnished truth. the firm, quiet belief that Keigo had to be better than he gave himself credit for. just there, just like that. not meant to flatter him but to express what he felt in his heart.]
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